"Wow, your feet have really puffed out!" declared devoted dad as he whipped off my socks for the perfunctory nightly foot massage.
"Really" I reply, "I hadn't noticed."
Not picking up on the sarcastic tone, or maybe wisely choosing to ignore it, hormones can be a bitch, DD continued on...
"Yeah they are so cute" That's more like it. "Just like little pigs trotters!"
I don't know what it is about DD but my body parts always seem to remind him of food. Maybe I don't feed him enough, but over the years I have had legs like chicken drumsticks, my spare tyre has been described as 'gristle that I just want to chew on' and now it seems my toes resemble 'little pigs in blankets.' How attractive do I feel...
That's the thing about pregnancy it changes your body in ways you can never imagine. Sure, you know you can kiss goodbye to seeing your toes for six or so months, but there are some other lovely surprises along the way.
For me the worst thing has most definitely been the swelling. Bad swelling in the feet can be a sign of the condition preeclampsia but luckily mine isn't that. But it is bad.
Imagine Cumberland sausages in the pan when you've forgotten to prick them and you've got the idea. And it's not just my feet that have doubled in size, my hands now resemble slabs of meat.
I find the fluid retention in the feet the most distressing, especially after one helpful friend pointed out that sometimes they never return to their pre pregnancy size. You mean I could be stuck with these galompers forever...? Please God no!
You see I've always had a good working relationship with my feet, in fact i would go as far as to say they are my best body part friends.
Unlike other parts of my body my feet never betray me by suddenly not fitting into certain skirts. They don't decide to use my love of chocolate against me, nor do they choose to expose my times of over indulgence, unlike the traitor that is my backside.
Also feet are the perfect shopping companion. No matter how much weight you have put on, or how rubbish you are feeling you can always find a pair of shoes to fit.
Sure I may not be as tall as some of my friends, nor do I have the fast metabolism that seems to have been given to all those celebrities that "eat whatever I want" "Oh chocolate and chips are my weakness!" We'll, they might be your weakness but you clearly don't eat any of it, ever, you skinny....
Sorry I digress. What I'm trying to say is, I may not be the perfect size 8, or to be perfectly honest, size 10. But I do have lovely and lithe size 3 & 1/2 feet.
This allows me to be quite smug when all my big footed friends are despairing as they search amongst the Kurt Geiger sale rack..."Oh gold sequinned peep toe heels... in a 3 & 1/2... I don't mind if I do...!